I’ve been completely dreading this New Year’s Eve.
I take that back; I’ve hated EVERY New Year’s Eve since 2004, with last year being the only thing in the neighborhood of an exception to this blanket statement. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. In 2010, I watched John Mayer play at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas, and Bob Saget wandered on stage with a cake during the countdown to midnight. That was pretty tight. But besides that, NYE = suckfest.
If you’re in a relationship, the excitement and magic of the night is gone. If you’re single, there’s too much excitement. So much build up, so much pressure to do something awesome, get super silly, and make out with someone hot at the stroke of midnight. Instead what happens is you and your friends scramble from place to place, feel out the guests at each location, get stuck there in fear of looking like an asshole who was just feeling out the guests, and you end up making out with someone who you probably would not kiss under normal circumstances. Well, that is unless you’re my sister, who was approached last year by 5 different eligible suitors and turned down every one of them. What a betch.
Perhaps my disdain for the holiday stems from the pressure to reevaluate one’s life and set obtainable goal for the upcoming year. Bitch, please. I’m the kind of person that buys myself gifts when I want them. Instant gratification is more my style. However, it is that time of year, and my writer’s block is becoming somewhat of a permanent fixture–so when I get an idea, I better capitalize on it before I get distracted by another terrible Netflix documentary.
Keep calm and read on.
1. Physically exert oneself. We’re relatively young, and some of us are still riding on the “sufficient metabolism” gravy train. This is precisely why I have not broken a sweat since 2007. At least in college, you could blame your laziness on the fact that the Huff is merely a fundraiser for the OU Parking office. Nowadays, I don’t have the half-mile walks to class, 200-meter dash in heels to Campus Corner, sorority pillow fights, or spontaneous 90’s dance parties to get me moving.
Suggested remedies: take the stairs to your office cubicle, walk to lunch, start dance parties at Fassler Hall (and salute my friends when they join you), clean your apartment with C+C Music Factory playing in the background, or engage in some sexy time.
2. Cool it on the party shots. I like to think of myself as a generous person. The problem is, you have to be a LOT more generous to come off as generous in Tulsa where the red-headed sluts cost $5 instead of $2. The key is to find other ways to assert your dominance over your friends without totally breaking the bank.
Suggested remedies: purchase a 2006 Range Rover, drink scotch neat, pick up a Rauxlex next time you go to the Bahamas or New York City, speak with a New England accent, or act like a raging douche.
3. Diversify your weekend hangouts. I’m pretty settled on where I end up on the weekends. If Soundpony has a show, I’ll be there (thank my friends for this–I find the place loathsome, but I really, really like my friends), White Owl or Leon’s if the college kids are back, the Penthouse if I’m desperate, and Fassler/the Max/McNellie’s any other weekend night. I imagine it’s hard to truly suck the marrow out of Tulsa if you’re in a spatial rut. Expand your horizons, take a shot with a homeless man, and attend a drag show every once in awhile.
Suggested remedies: Majestic (bring a girl to make out with if you’re a guy, and if you’re a lady just bring your most flamboyant ‘mo), Crystal Pistol (bring a knife), the Cigar Box (bring your bonus check), or Ivey (bring an asshole).
4. Put yourself out there more. Whether you want to meet a significant other, network, find a one night stand, or just shoot the shit with someone new, we can all benefit by being more friendly to those in our community. Joining clubs or groups is a great way to do this–and so is well, going to the bar.
Suggested remedies: Join TYPros, lock in a really good wingman, join ChristianMingle.com or eHarmony, hang out at the gym, crash office parties and weddings, or start a blog about Tulsa’s young and restless and hope people recognize you whilst out and about (works for me…sometimes).
5. Take baby step towards true adulthood. Does anyone else feel like they’re in a weird sort of purgatory between adolescence and adulthood? At family gatherings, do you drink wine…at the kiddie table? Do you drive the car your parents bought you to work everyday? Are you breezing through life without a credit card? Do you still have roommates? They say your college years are the best, which I don’t disagree with, but now I kind of feel like the same person I was last year, but with more disposable income. It’s awesome.
Suggested remedies: I personally think this limbo stage is great, but if you really want to start feeling like a full-blown adult, get in debt, knock up your girlfriend, gain 20 pounds, cook dinner at home every night, get off your parent’s cell phone family plan, or start watching American Idol.
Happy New Year, friends, fans, foes, and fiends!