Type 1, the Valentine’sDayIsSoAwesomeChocolateLoveHeartsJoySouffleYAY person. See every character in that painful Gary Marshall film, Nicholas Sparks enthusiasts, and most characters played by Meg Ryan or Ashton Kutcher. I mean, I’ll throw them a bone for their optimism, but let’s be real: anyone who gets that excited about a holiday that you don’t even get off work for is pretty strange.
Type 2, the IHATEValentine’sDayHateLoveHateHallmarkHateCouples person. This person is
usually always a female, likely scorned in the recent past, and would rather act like they loathe the entire concept of Valentine’s Day than admit that they’re actually kind of lonely. GIRL POWER, rah rah who needs a BOYF?!! Sugar, we all see right past your cynical facade. Instead of acting completely unpleasant for the first two weeks of February, join eHarmony or adopt another cat.
In reality, I’m guessing that most of you see it the way I do: just another day of the week, but a rad excuse to either receive a present, or go out on a weekday. Really, it’s a win-win!
Whether you’re single or dating, married or betrothed, there’s a few rules I’d like to throw out there…you know, just for humanity’s sake…
Do look decent. I’m a master snoozer, and my antics of the night before are often hinted at when I show up to work in a classic headband/messy bun/harem pants combo. You should look good not because I believe love is in the air, but because if you show up to work looking haggard, all of your co-workers will think you’ve spent the night eating bonbons and watching Vampire Diaries. Speaking of which…
Don’t spend the night weeping over romantic movies. What I call a Tuesday night is what many reserve exclusively for February 14th. Here’s a short list of movies you absolutely SHOULD NOT watch the entire month of February:
- The Notebook. You’ll rue the fact that no one you know in real life oozes a fraction of the sexy that Ryan Gosling does.
- Love Actually. The awkward heffer lands the Prime Minister, Colin Firth falls in love with a chick that he can’t communicate with, Billy Bob Thorton is the president and Britain stands up to America’s bullying. On that same note, Mary Fallin legalized marijuana and I’ve been quietly dating Shia LaBeouf for the last two years.
- When Harry Met Sally. This is a great way to trick yourself into thinking your annoying best friend is actually your soul mate.
- No Strings Attached or Friends With Benefits. While Hollywood would like us to believe that getting a fun buddy is the best way to find the love of your life, well, I have a sneaking suspicion that most casual sex partners won’t stage flash mobs or make Aunt Flo playlists in your honor.
Stick to these T20S-approved flicks instead:
- Closer. Jude Law, Clive Owen, and a frustrating ending.
- Forgetting Sarah Marshall. This is because Jason Segel is my dream dude, even when he eats cereal out of a punchbowl and weeps naked.
- Goodfellas or Boogie Nights because those are my two favorite movies and it’ll give us something to chat about.
- Requiem for a Dream. Guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself, no matter the degree of disarray your life is in.
Do use it as an excuse to do something special. For me, this means purchasing an expensive gift for myself whilst in Las Vegas. For couples, this means trying out something new you learned in last month’s Cosmopolitan.
Don’t be that obnoxious couple. We’re all very happy that you’ve found companionship. We’re all very impressed that your significant other was creative enough to say “I love you” for the first time on Valentine’s Day. I’m even kind of jealous of that bouquet of flowers you received at work. This kind of admiration, however, is best enjoyed from afar. Don’t bore your friends with mushy anecdotes.
Do take advantage of the 9th best holiday of the year. February 15th, also known as “Half Price Candy Day” should unconditionally be observed.
Don’t wear a springy heart headband, a t-shirt with cupid on it, any form of face paint, or a goofy grin. Not unless you want to get punched in the face.
Do go out with your best girlfriends. Trust me, every dive bar will be completely empty. It’ll be like you’re the Sex and the City girls, but with less amusing one-liners. Or you know what? Invite some of your sluttiest guy friends out too–not for canoodling purposes, but for sheer entertainment value.
Don’t eat anything heart-shaped. Who invented those chalk-like candy hearts? I H8 U! Does anyone actually enjoy consuming those?